It's All Relative

*A little deer is wandering through the forest. Something is chasing it.*

Sora: I never gave any thought as to how I was going to die.

*Someone is still chasing the deer. They are getting closer.*

Sora: If had to die, I would die for someone I loved.

*The deer is almost caught, but the chaser runs into a tree and tumbles down a hill*

Chaser: Shit! Who put that tree there?

*End Scene*

Sora: I moved from sunny Hirukaze city to gloomy Aoikin City. They were only minutes apart but the weather was from a different world. I hate the wet. It makes my hair frizz. (shows Sora's once straight hair has gone into a puffy soaked afro)

Sora: I hated all my friends.

Arashi & Usagi: Hi Sora! You're the best person ever.

*Walks by them* Sora: (blandly) Whatever.

Sora: I hated being with my cousin Ryo.

Ryo: You know you didn't have to move here. You could have stayed at the mansion.

Sora: But I had to make the ultimate sacrifice, so that they could be happy.

Ryo: (falsely) You know that's really noble and unselfish of you.

Sora: I know.

(Narration)Sora: One day, I was sitting in the cafeteria...

*Sora is sitting in the cafeteria with Arashi and Usagi who are chatting and Taiyo is reading an unnamed book with two hands and an apple on the cover. She laughs randomly.*

Taiyo: Sparkles? Oh shit, how lame can it get....

*Suddenly, Takun walks by.*

Sora: Wow... who is that?

Arashi: That's Takun Kuroshiro. He's like the hottest guy on campus and he doesn't talk to anybody at all and most certainly doesn't date any of the girls here.

Sora: Is he gay?

Usagi: No, he's mysterious.

*Takun sits at the table and stares at Sora*

Sora: (tries to look away) What is he looking at?

Arashi: (points down)

Sora: (covers up cleavage) Eww, what a perv!

Usagi: Not that! (points to a piece of cake on Sora's plate) Chocolate cake.

Arashi: I think Takun's wants a piece of your chocolate cake too... if you get what I mean.

*Takun looks away*

(Narration) Sora: After lunch, we had a class together.

Sora: Why do you keep looking at me?

Takun: You didn't share any of your cake.

Sora: Why should I share cake with you? I don't even know you.

Takun: You don't want to know me. In fact, I shouldn't even be talking to you right now. We shouldn't even be seen together.

Sora: Okay. Then you can leave.

Takun: But I can't.

Sora: Why not?

Takun: Class isn't over yet.

(Narration) Sora: I knew there was something wrong... with him.

*Sora slips and falls on some ice.*

Car Driver: Move, bitch, get out the way, get out the way!

*Car comes towards her*

Sora: Oh no!

*gets hit by car*

Sora: Shit!? What the fuck, man? (looks at Takun) You were supposed to save me.

Takun: (eating chocolate cake) OMG, this is the best cake in the world.

Sora: What is the matter with you?

Takun: What? I'm eating cake.

Sora: You were supposed to save me.

Takun: What? Where does that say that at?

Sora: (takes out script) Right here. On page 39, Takun saves Sora with god-like speed.

Usagi: You're breaking the fourth wall!!!

*Sora slips and falls on the ground again*

Car Driver: Move, bitch! Get out the way, get out the way!

Sora: Oh no!

*gets hit by car*

Takun: (runs half way across the parking lot before running out of breath) Oh shit... sweet mother of Jesus... (collapses on hands and knees) Phew! That was a fast car... like the fastest car in the world.

Sora: (from under the car) Oh please, it was going like 2 miles per hour.

Takun: (ignores Sora) Sweet mother... can I get some oxygen or something. (passes out)

(narration) Sora: It didn't take me long before I figured out what he was.

*Sora goes on google and looks at itsallrelative.weebly.com*

*Sora and Takun are in the forest somewhere*

Sora: (to Takun) I know what you are. You're impossibly slow. And stupid. Your hair is pale white and these ice cubes you got me are ice cold.

Takun: Say it! Out loud.

Sora: (dramatically) You're an idiot.

Takun: Are you afraid?

Sora: No.

*Takun tries to pull a tree from the ground*

Takun: Damn, what's wrong with this tree? Stupid piece of crap. *gives up and pulls a few weeds from the ground instead* You should be afraid of me. I'm a monster. I'm the world's greatest predator.

Sora: I'm not afraid. You won't kill me.

Takun: I will. (jumps into the light; nothing happens) What the... I'm suppose to sparkle.

Author: Uh... sorry, we didn't have enough money in the budget for that scene, but go ahead and shoot it anyway.

Takun: Uh... okay. (jumps into the light)

Authors 1-4 (anyone remember these guys): Sparkle! Sparkle! Sparkle! Sparkle!

Takun: (over the authors singing sparkle) This is the skin of a killer.

Sora: It's beautiful.

Takun: (flamboyantly) I know isn't it? This shade of foundation is called vampire mcsparkly pants from bare minerals. Normally, I'm more of a almond bisque or a downtown tropical brown, but I feel that this new shade brings out my inner creepiness.

*they stare at each other for an insanely long time*

Takun: And so the lion/wolf fell in love with the fox/wolf.

Sora: What a stupid fox/wolf.

Takun: What a sick masochistic lion/wolf.

Usagi: What freakish looking babies!

(narration) Sora: There were three things that I knew about Takun Kuroshiro. The first was that he was an idiot. The second... he was after my chocolate cake... which he already ate, so I guess this isn't number two anymore. Okay... the new second thing was that he was an idiot. The third thing was that I was irrevelantly and inexplicably in love with him... I think...

*Sora wakes up and see Takun sitting on her dresser*

Sora: What are you doing here?

Takun: I'm watching you sleep. It's kind of fascinating.

TV reporter: Have you ever seen "Dateline: To catch a predator"

Takun: I've seen it a couple times...oh ho ho, I'm on that show right now, huh?

*police swarm in and hand cuff him*

Takun: Look, I'm on TV. *gets carried away*


*the next day, Sora and Takun get out of his car*

Arashi: OH MY GAWD!!!!

Usagi and Taiyo: What?

Arashi: It's David Cook. *runs away past Sora and Takun and towards Da Void*

Takun: I should take you to meet my family.

*they go to his house. Takun takes Sora to his bedroom*

Sora: A bed?

Takun: Were you expecting anything less?

Sora: Why do you need a bed? You don't sleep.

Takun: You don't need to sleep to have a bed... if you catch my drift.

Sora: *shakes head* I'm not afraid of you.

Takun: You shouldn't have said that. *carefully opens window, (after learning from that youtube parody), pulls Sora onto his back and promptly runs into another tree*

(from the bottom of forest floor) Sora: You're a regular old Tarzan, aren't you?

Takun: Shut up!

*they go inside*

Sirod: Oh... Takun brought home a snack.

*Author whispers something in Sirod's ear*

Sirod: What? Really? You mean we don't eat her? *more whispering* Vegetarian? What does that even mean? *more whispering* We only drink animal blood... aren't we technically animals?

*Everyones eyes turn to Sora, then to each other*

Sasuke: (chuckles nervously) Anyone for a game of dodgeball?

*Everyone is on the dodgeball circle. Lightning strikes and cheesy music plays*

Vincent: *gets hit in the head with the ball* Hmmm... that hurt.

Sasuke: Oh Sorry. We could use more players.

Lili: I'm the one with a mean curveball. *throws ball and hits Sora in the face*

*Sora's nose starts bleeding*

Vincent: Oh you brought a snack.

*Sasuke throws the ball at Vincent's face and they make a run for it.*

Takun: You have to get away from here. The hunt is his obsession.

*Everyone stops*

Sirod: Obsession.

Lili: By Calvin Klein.

Sora: Wear it.

*Continues*

Sora: Fine, I'll betray everyone who ever loved me and run away with you. (to Ryo) I hate you I'm leaving.

Ryo: Fine, bitch leave!

Sora: (to Takun) I told him the same thing his ex-wife told him before she left.

*Somehow they end up in Hirukaze in a weird place with a bunch of mirrors*

Vincent: Oh, you found me. Wonderful. Your prize... getting eaten by me.

Sora: That sounds weird.

Vincent: You're right. It didn't sound that weird when I was thinking about it. I mean, that's literally what I'm going to do to you, but I couldn't think of any euphemisms for eating someone.

Sora: Your prize... an all I can eat buffet... of you.

Vincent: LOL. That's kinda good. I'm going to go with that one. *evil voice* Your prize an all I can eat buffet of you. That stills sounds weird.

Takun: Not if I can help it.

Sora: Takun!

*Takun and Vincent start fighting. Vincent bites Sora's arm.*

Vincent: Mmm, tastes like chicken.

Sora: I did have some KFC the other day.

Vincent: That makes sense! *bites more*

*Somehow Takun overpowers Vincent through the power of teenage love and angst.*

Sirod: I'm going to enjoy this. *breaks Vincent's neck and everyone burns him alive*

Sora: (strained) Oh no. I'm dying.

Sasuke: (to Takun) You have to do something! Suck out the venom or something.

Takun: *bites Sora's wrist*

Sasuke: Okay... you can stop now! Stop! Hell-o, stop sucking her blood.

*Fade to black*

Sora: Where am I?

Ryo: In the hospital, bitch. They said you fell down four flights of stairs, flew out an eight story window and landed in a dumpster filled with stale Chinese food.

Sora: Oh... *sees Takun 'sleeping' in the corner*

Takun: You're finally awake.

Sora: What happened?

Takun: Well... I sucked your blood and then...

Sora: But...I? You? We? The..? W...what? W... why? H..how?

Takun: Form a coherent sentences, please.

Sora: But I...? Oh I give up.

Takun: A "thank you" would be nice.

Sora: A "fuck you" is even better. Fuck you, and get out of my room.

*at the prom*

Asahi: (to Sora) I know I'm about a school year too late, but you shouldn't date Takun. We'll be watching you.

Takun: *comes back from where ever he was* Dang, I leave you alone for one moment and the birds descend.

FORESHADOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!

Sora: Oh... that's not a problem I guess.

Takun: Let's dance.

Sora: I want to be like you. I want to live forever and do superhuman things.

Takun: You don't want to be like me. In fact, you should be afraid of me.

Sora: But I'm not...

Takun: Well, then... let's dance and not worry about anything.

Sora: Whatever...

(narration) Sora: And so indeed the fox/wolf fell in love with the lion/wolf... and I couldn't have asked for more.

*end credits*

Lili is watching from the balcony and turns dramatically and walks off screen.