It's All Relative

A Contemporary Fantasy Serial Web Novel

Updates Tuesdays and Thursdays

Author's Blog


Act One

Asahi: (In the lab) Muahah...*cough cough* ha ha. (clears throat) Gosh, (sputters slightly) I'm working on that laugh, kinda. I've got someone helping me with that at the moment. If I want to be a part of Vincent's ring of assassins, I gotta have an evil laugh. Like "Muahaha hahaha" or something like that.

Asahi: I'm waiting for him to accept my application, it's been like a few weeks. Anyway, Portal mail time!

Asahi: ih8u says: "Hey you. Why are you tryin' to be evil?" Oh nice, try to spell without dropping the "g's" foo'. Well, the sweet and simple answer is "I'm tired of being good like my goodie two shoes twin brother." Mirror fraternal twins, not identical.

Asahi: Ahhh, Dr. Asahi, I've waited for you at the PinkBerry! We were supposed to do battle. Love, Your Nemesis...your wasted childhood. My nemesis is Captain Takun, the royal pain in the ass. (throws a dart at a Captain Takun picture in which he is smiling and has a drawn on moustache and goatee and devil horns and every other tooth is blackened in; the dart stabs a glass jar containing some type of liquid)

Asahi: Next letter. "I've been watching for a while..." yadda yadda yadda. "In your vlog you say that you will steal her away and you'll show her the way. Show her that you are a true villian. Who is "she" and does she even know..."

(Asahi's at the lecture hall; he sees a girl with purple hair, Sora, sitting in the middle of the lecture hall taking a test. Asahi is walking down the aisle singing, but no one seems to notice him.)

Finals day
See you then
Students are
Wanna say
“I like your ass”
Here I go

With my Freeze-Ray I will STOP the world
With my Freeze-Ray I will find the time to find the words

Tell you how
How you make
Make me feel
What’s the phrase?
Like a fool
Kinda sick
Special needs
Any ways

With my Freeze-Ray I will STOP the pain
It’s not a death-ray or an Ice-beam that's not what I know

I just think you need time to know
That I’m the guy to make it real
The feelings you don’t dare to feel
I’ll bend the world to our will
And we’ll make time stand still

That’s the plan
Rule the world
You and me

Asahi: Love your ass

Sora: (stops taking the test) What?

Asahi: No… I…I… I need a pen…


With my Freeze-ray I will stop…

Yuhi: What are you doing?

Asahi: Oh it's you. What do you want?

Yuhi: Can't I talk to my one and only twin brother?

Asahi: (blandly) No.

Yuhi: So did you talk to her?

Asahi: (blush) Her who? Whoever do you mean?

Yuhi: Don't play dumb with me.

Asahi: I was so close, but it was an epic fail. Can you believe I asked her for a pen? I wanted to tell her that I loved her and that she was beautiful...

Yuhi: And that she had a great ass?

Asahi: Yeah... but not so blunt. But she does have a nice ass.

Yuhi: You got a letter from Lord Vincent.

Asahi: (excited) Really? (snatches letter)

Yuhi: That's so hardcore. Lord Vincent rules his assassins with an iron paw... hand... black tentacle from the depth of Hell... whatever. He rules his assassins with an iron appendage.

Asahi: Look he calls himself Bad Wolf. He's incognito. Nice.

Bad Wolf Singers:
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
He runs into the forest
The half wolf of sin
He got the application that you just sent in
It needs evaluation, so let the games begin
A heinous crime, a show of force,
(A murder would be nice of course)

Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
He’s bad
The Evil League of Evil
is a secret, so don't snitch.
We hope you pass this test,
that is our sincerest wish
So make the Bad Wolf happy
Or he’ll make you his bitch
You’re saddled up
There’s no recourse
It’s ‘High-ho silver’
Signed: Bad uh... Wolf (Yuhi: That doesn't rhyme!)

Yuhi: Well, it's a not a no.

Asahi: This totally awesome.

Yuhi: So what are you gonna do?

Asahi: Well my freeze ray... it just needs a couple adjustments.

Yuhi: Why do you need a freeze ray? Why don't you just blow them up with your hikasui fire powers?

Asahi: Silence! I have to do this my way. They are sending in a vehicle. An armored vehicle. An armored vehicle that is filled with the stuff that my freeze ray needs. I will hijack this vehicle for my own evil devices. Muaha ha HA haha

Yuhi: (Aside) This won't end well. (to Asahi) You really need to work on your laugh.

Asahi: Shush! It's only a matter of time when my evil laugh will be an epically evil laugh.

(outside in the courtyard at school)

Sora (passing out fliers for senate elections):
Will you lend a caring hand
To elect senators who need it?
Only have to sign your name
Don’t even have to read it
Would you help?
No? How bout you?

Will you lend a caring hand?


Asahi: ARGHHH!

Sora: Oh. Oh. (rushes to Asahi)

Asahi: (fiddling around with his remote control)

Sora: Hi, I was wondering if... hey, I know you.

Asahi: Hello. You know me? Cool. I mean. Yeah, you do. Do you?

Sora: Yes, from class. You asked me for a pen.

Asahi: Oh that's right. We had discussion together. You missed last week and so did I but I saw you made up that discussion in another discussion section and I saw you. Yes. I did borrow a pen from you. A purple one, just like your hair that smells faintly of vanilla mint shampoo and strawberry conditioner. (stops rambling) I'm Asahi.

Sora: I'm Sora. What are you doing?

Asahi: (playing with his remote control) I'm texting an important text to an important person who is waiting for this important text. I'd stop but it's very...

Sora: Important?

Asahi: Yeah. What are you doing?

Sora: Well, I'm getting signatures so that I can run for the Associated Students Board.

Asahi: (looking over Sora's shoulder for an armored vehicle) ASB? *pfft*

Sora: It's for a good cause. If I were an ASB senator, I could help students who aren't doing good in classes and they don't know what they can do. I want to have a 24 hour student studying center. We get people off of Academic Probation so they can major in cool stuff like... Flying to the Moon and then they can become balloon animal makers. You really don't care about students, do you?

Asahi: Oh I do. It's just that they are a symptom. You're treating a symptom, but the disease rages on. Consumes the whole student body. They say the fish rots from the head, why not just cut of the head?

Sora: Off the students bodies? And how are the students a symptom?

Asahi: Well, not cut off the students' heads. The students are a symptom of consumer capitalism. We don't go to school to better ourselves, we go to school to get jobs to make more money and (stops rambling) We need a revolution.

Sora: I'm all for it, but we've gotta take baby steps. (holds up flyer) If I was just a ASB senator...

Asahi: You'd overhaul the system. You'd destroy the status-quo because the “status” is NOT “quo”.

Sora: So will you sign?

Asahi: (puts remote controls under his arm to sign) Sure. I'm sorry if I came on to...

Sora: Strong? (smiles) It's okay. You still signed.

Asahi: I couldn't turn my back on a fellow... Pen Lender Outer.

Sora: I'll probably see you in class.

Asahi: Yeah, I'll return the other pen.

Sora: It's okay, you can keep that one. (takes back clipboard) You can keep that one too. Us pen people got to stick together.

Asahi: Uh, um thank you. (smells pen) She changed her shampoo. Raspberry? But she talked to me. She talked to me! (pushes wrong button on remote control) Uh-oh.

(Van is going out of control; Asahi is trying to get it back on its path. it has crashed into a hot dog stand and several vending machines. People are jumping off bikes, flying off scooters, and diving into bushes)

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do
Don’t plan the plan if you can’t follow through
All that matters is taking matters into your own hands
Soon I’ll control everything
My wish is your command

Captain Takun (Takun is wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a sake bottle on it, gardening gloves, and jeans):
Stand back everyone
Nothin’ here to see
Just imminent danger
And in the middle of it me
Yes Captain Takun’s here
Hair blowing in the breeze
The day needs my saving expertise

(the van comes at Sora, who is about to move but is pushed into a biker who, crashes to dodge her, causing the biker to fall into the bushes and Sora to trip into a trash can sending flyers flying into people's faces, causing them to trip and stumble into each other)

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do
Seems destiny ends with me saving you
The only doom that’s looming is drinking myself death
So I’ll give you a second to catch your breath


Takun: Dr. Asahi. I should have known your stupid ass was behind this.

Asahi: You almost killed her!

Takun: So, she's still alive isn't she? And looking pretty damn fine, if I do say so myself.

Asahi: Is she? (Takun struggles to pick up Asahi by his neck, or pick him up in general. Finally he gives up)

Takun: It's curtains for you Dr. Asahi. Lacy, Martha Stewart brand curtains. (socks Asahi in the stomach; Asahi collapses on the ground)

Sora (pops up out of the trash can):
Thank you Drunken Man, I don’t think I can
Explain how important it was that you moved me from the van
I would be splattered; I’d be crushed under debris
Thank you sir for saving me

Takun: Don’t worry about it.

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

Sora: *You came from above*

Asahi: *Are you kidding?*

Takun: Seems destiny ends with me saving you

Asahi: *What heist were you watching?*

Sora: *I wonder what you’re captain of*

Asahi: *Stop looking at her like that*

Takun: When you’re the best you can’t rest, what’s the use?

Asahi: *Did you notice that the van is still going?* (Van is still going insane.)

Sora: *My heart is beating like a drum*

Takun: There’s ass that needs kicking. Some ticking bomb to diffuse.

Sora: *Must… must be in shock*

Asahi: *The van is still going. If it crashes, I'm not paying for the towing. *

Takun: The only doom that’s looming is drinking myself to death

Sora: *Assuming I’m not loving you to death*

Asahi: *Whatever*

Takun and Sora together: So please give me a sec to catch my breath.

Asahi: (on the ground) Balls.

(Van explodes into a mushroom cloud in the distance)

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Episodes marked with an asterisk (*)contain violence and/or sex and are not safe for work.