It's All Relative

A Contemporary Fantasy Serial Web Novel

Updates Tuesdays and Thursdays

Author's Blog


Deep in the confines of the Author's coffee hyped imagination:

Muse A: *hand appears slowly on screen and picks up and pen.* By jove I think I've got it!

Muse B: Got what?

Muse A: A peanut. *eats peanut* Peanuts are good.

Author: Now come on muses, we've got to write! I don't pay you to just sit around and do nothing.

Muse C: You're not paying us at all.

Author: I know it's 5:00 in the morning, and your brain refuses to work...but no back talk, Muse. We've got to keep this ship moving. Where are the characters!?

Muse B: Asleep in their cabins, captain.

Author: Captain. I like the sound of that. Fetch me my hat.

Muse A: I'm afraid your hat has gone missing, ma'am.

Author: And the rum...?

Muse A: Is gone.

Author: All of it?

Muse A: I'm afraid so.

Author: *whines* Why's the rum always gone?

Muse A: Might I interest you in a lovely peanut?

Author: Honey roasted?

Muse A: Regular.

Author: Be gone with you, knave! We need to make port at 019000 hours, I'd say just around April 3, 2008. How far have we gone?

Muse B: About one and a half chapters ma'am.

Author: Blast. You muses have failed me. To this I say, so long *walks the plank; lands in a pile of waded up paper* Well this sucks. *tries to pull the boat*

Usagi: *sailing in the paper* Yo ho yo ho, a pirates life for me. *sees Author* Wow, it is the Author. *to the crew* Hoist the colors! *the crew raises up a brightly colored flag*. Ahoy there, m'hartey. I be the captain of this here ship. Any words ye'd like to say...

Author: Uh... parlay.

Usagi: Oh curses. Always with the parlay.

*the world goes dark*

Usagi: What be this? A work of some devil?

Author: It's worse. It is Starr Jones... *looks at script* Davy Jones and his haunted ship, the Flying Dutchman.

Usagi: That's a racist ship. Why does it have to be Dutch?

Author: No time for this useless chatter. Full speed ahead. *boat barely moves* What is wrong with this blasted ship?

Usagi: Oh, this ship is called the Freewebs Floater.

Author: We're going to die! *the Freewebs Floater crashes, comes back, crashes again, come back* Wow...

Reaper the Hacker: Muahahaha, I have come to hack your ship! *hacks ship into pieces*

Author: It doesn't matter, this ship was a piece of shit anyway. Go to hell, Reaper! *hacks into Reaper's myspace*

Reaper: What!? Not the myspace! Oh no! My identity... *shows a angled myspace picture of an emo kid crying* I'm melting! I'm melting. *dies*

Author: Muahahaha! Victory is mine! JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*characters come out of their cabin*

Sora: Is she alright?

Takun: *ignores Author's manical laughter; reads title* Raiders of the Lost Story Arc? What the hell? Is this some kinda attempt to be clever?

Author: It's not meant to be clever, jackass. It's just something I thought of... it fits, don't you think?

Takun: How can something that has never existed be lost?

Author: Shhh, you don't want the readers to know that I accidentally forgot to write some chapters.

Takun: Looks like they know now. *points to people behind the computer screen*

Author: Oh shit... are you serious? *falsely* Hello people... welcome to the grand opening of the
It's All Relative. Feel free to stop and look around. Let's take a couple e-mails from our friends.
Sora, if you will hand me a letter.

Sora: *hands Author a letter*

Author: *reads aloud*

Dear Author,
Why do you write IAR?

Author: It's simple my dear non-existent friend. Because I want to. It is meant to entertain and I hope you have as much fun reading it as I do writing it.

Takun: Bootlegger! You stole that from the website.

Author: *closes internet on Laptop* Did not!

Takun: Did too, bitch.
Author: Dumbass!
Takun: Bitch!
Author: DUMBASS!!!
Takun: BITCH!!!!
Author: Dumbass Bitch! *clears throat; speaks pleasantly* On to our next letter.

Dear Author,
What happened to the old website?

Author: *darkly* I'll tell you what happened... in song!

Sasuke: Oh showtones!

Takun: Oh god.

Author: *sitting on a beach by herself; turns dramatically to the camera*
Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the website I used to pay
It's the kind of site you want so much
It makes you sorry;
Still, you don't regret a single day.
Ah site! WEBSITE!
*light dims dramatically; crickets chirp*

Author: The website lived a sheltered life, not seeing much of the world. But one day, the website fell in love and went to prom, but the website's date was killed in the war and the website was very sad. The website moved to New York where it fell in love with a British website and they got tripped out on LSD and sang songs and lived life. But the war continued and the website got restless and joined the cause and then the website got stuck in a riot and got sent back to Britain and then blew up when it tried to make a homemade bomb and then there was a guy with a trashcan and they fought the hyenas and the website took its throne and became a part of the circle of life.

Usagi: 0.0, four movie plots in one. How exciting!

Takun: That's not what happened.

Author: Next letter.

Dear Author,
How many times have you rewritten the first chapters?

Author: Hey, don't get testy with me, mister. I can have you written you out of this story in a heartbeat. (but to answer your question about 6-7 times; maybe 10-12, who knows.)

Takun: You can't write me out of the story, I make this story. There wouldn't be a story if there wasn't me.

Author: That's true. I wrote you into this world, and I can backspace you out!

Takun: Whatever. People love me.

Author: Actually... I'm the only one that loves you. Reader polls list Usagi and Sasuke as their favorites.

Usagi: Wow really?

Sasuke: That's amazing.

Takun: Oh c'mon, there was no user poll.

Author: Well... if the old website hadn't crashed three times and then gotten hacked into, I'd show you the comments that people wrote. Most of them weren't about you.

Takun: Yeah, they were mostly about your grammatical and spelling mistakes.

Author: *goes to hit the delete key*

Takun: Fine... sorry.

Author: People love Usagi and Sasuke.

Sora: What about me? I'm the main character.

Author: *sweatdrop* Well since you are the main character... you are destined to be the least liked character.

Sora: What that's not fair!

Author: People don't like you because you're stupid... and obviously a Mary-Sue of someone much cooler in real life.

Sora: You're not cool, you're a dork.

Author: I prefer nerd or geek. Or to be more politically correct "Socially Challenged".

Sora: Dumbass.

Author: Take a hit for the team, you'll get cooler as you get older.

Sora: *blandly* Great something to look forward to. Will I be that stereotypical character that gets cool only after she loses her viriginity?

Author: *shocked* I'm outraged. Do you think I would stoop so low as to make you lose your virginity to make you cooler? *kicks How to Write Fanservice under chair* Hehehe... don't be so crude.

Sora: *rolls eyes* Whatever. If you want to live our your fantasy though me... by all means, go ahead. At least I've got a man...or two.

Author: Slut. *secretly jealous. XD lol. *

Usagi: Another letter...

Dear Author,
Your story sucks... really bad. Get a life and start over.

Takun: *snickers*

Author: *pushes up glasses* I can't expect everyone to like IAR. Plus there hasn't been enough written to make that judgment (granted i keep editing the beginning chapters)

Takun: *still laughing* So what are you going to do? Scrap the whole story.

Author: Now why would I do that?

Takun: Because that person basically said that your entire story is worthless.

Author: Well if I have spent four years of my life writing shit, so be it! Besides that is just one
person. I certainly can understand where that person is coming from but they are JUST one person. Not enough to make me give up four years of writing shit. Besides IAR is more than than just shit... it is the shit that kept us together through all the shit that happened in our lives.

*Patriotic Music plays in the background, American flags waves behind Author*

Author: When we were supposed to be studying for AP exams, what were we doing?

Usagi: *quietly* Writing IAR...

Author: I can't hear you.

Usagi: WRITING IAR!!!!

Author: And those classes that we ditched what were we doing.

Taiyo: Watching House.

Author: What else?

Taiyo: College applications?

Author: *rolls eyes* What else?

Taiyo: Writing IAR.

Author: Yes! And what was that thing that we discussed every morning at our bench for the past four years.

Everyone: IAR!!!!!

Author: Exactly, so what are we going to do when one person. One measly person out of a billion people in the world says that our story is shit.

Takun: Give up, change our name, and chill out in Tijuana.

Author: That's what you would do, my friend. That's because you are a quitter...well me... I am a Shitter!

*record scratches and flag falls down, but it doesn't touch the ground*

Takun: You know that's not any better than a quitter.

Author: Yeah, I know. It sounded better when I was thinking about it in my head. But now that it's out, I'm going to be a Shitter, because I don't quit! I shit!

Sora: You're going to have to explain that one.

Author: I owe it to myself to finish telling your story, no matter how crappy one person thinks it is. I put too much time and effort to give up because someone told me to. I can see what they are saying...but I can't give up. It is my duty as an American to do whatever the fuck I want and I if I want to write shit, then by God I will shit!

Sasuke: *sounds like Jennifer Hudson* And I'm telling you... I'm not going! Even though the rough times are showing there's just no way... there's no way...

Author: *runs to the stage; whispers* Wrong song... it's track seven. I'll take it from here, Sasuke...

Sasuke: Ah man.

Author: *sounds like Gloria Gaynor*
At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without comments by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how they did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along

And so they're back
From outer space
I just logged in to my LJ to find them
With that mean look upon their face
I should have changed that stupid username
I should have went on another community
If I'd have known for just one second
they'd be back to bother me

Go on now go
Log out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I

I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to write
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my words to give
And I'll survive
I will survive, hey hey

Takun: *dressed like Simon Cowell* Nope nope, that was terribly dreadful. You sounded like a dying cow.

Author: At least I didn't sound like my roommate.

Takun: That is a true story. She sounds like coyotes howling to the moon, but at least the coyotes are in tune.

Usagi: *dressed as Paula Deen* That was beautiful ya'll.

Takun: Who the hell are you?

Usagi: I'm Paula.

Takun: Not Paula Deen, Paula Abdul.

Usagi: Oh... who's that?

Takun: Nobody knows...

Sora: *dressed like Randy Jackson by default since she is the only person who is the closest to being black...ethnically speaking of course* That was tight dawg. The pitch was a little shaky, but I think you nailed it in the end.

Usagi: I want to pop off your head and hang it on my rear view mirror.

Author: That's... creepy...

Sasuke: *dressed as Ryan Seacrest* So how does it feel hearing that from the judges?

Author: Well... I think it feels mighty good, Tyra.

Sasuke: Um... alright. You heard it here world, the author of IAR, Author!

Author: And let me be the first to welcome you to the new site. I hope you stick around and read for a while. I hope I didn't kill to many brain cells.

Click on the [+] to reveal links.

Episodes marked with an asterisk (*)contain violence and/or sex and are not safe for work.